Convinced of the mathematical properties of Championship Manager, Zookeeper predicts the result of this season's premiership. Oh dear...

I've got a confession to make. I haven't seen what a Saturday night looks like for a long time now. That's because every Saturday night, I retire to my darkened attic and play Championship Manager on a battered old PC. It was on one such night that I had a brainwave: What if I was to simulate the Premiership on Championship Manager, updating all the squads and allow all the matches to play themselves out? Surely, if I was scientific enough in up-dating the database, I'd be able to predict the eventual outcome of this years Premiership.

With only my Rothmans Football Yearbook for company, I began what was to become my odyssey. Six weeks later, I descended the stairs from the attic. I was thinner with redder eyes and I had even managed to a beard, sort of. My mother had presumed I was dead and rented out my room to a Thai student. I tried to hand the student a disc but I was too weak. I collapsed on the floor, muttering something along the lines of: "The...results...here....are....the...results..."

1st Liverpool
I know. I know. Scientific my hole.Bear with it...
2nd Chelsea
After an early season washout at Old Trafford, Ranieri feels it time to tighten up a leaky defence. He takes the brave decision to replace crowd favourites Glen Johnson and Marcel Desailly with Gary Neville and Alan Stubbs. That Russian dude who pays all the money is gonna be so pissed...
3rd Manyoo
When Alec Ferguson replaced two world class midfielders (Beckham and Veron) with umpteen shite ones, he clearly hadn't bargained for just how shite they'd actually be. Incidentally, I had given the same ratings to Ronaldo and Keith Gillespie for they are one and the same.
4th Arsenal
If this seems like a lowly position for a club like Arsenal, it should be pointed out that they made a swift exit from the Champions League, so nobody should be complaining about a lack of realism. Wenger spends the season trying to flog Kanu on the cheap but not even computer generated managers are interested.
5th Tottenham
In a bout of patriotism, I gave super-human attributes to Robbie Keane and um, Gary Doherty. I looked over a few of Spurs 'matches' and I seem to remember that neither Robbie nor Gary fell on their arses once. After sacking Glen Hoddle, Sven Goran Erikson is appointed as manager.
6th Fulham
Chris Coleman leaves his position as manager of Fulham after Christmas and is replaced by none other than Mick McCarthy, proving -if proof were needed- that Mohammed Al Fayed has more money than sense. McCarthy proceeds to fire his best player, Steed Malbranque and fuck up Fulhams run in the FA Cup. Sorry, I'm just bitter.
7th Man City
Despite having a defence with more holes than a teabag, Kevin Keegan insists on buying dodgy strikers to back up Anelka and Fowler. Still, Seaman repaid the permed ones faith in him by keeping four clean sheets. You're losing faith in this aren't you?
8th Middlesboro
Inexplicably, Steve McClaren continues to omit Massimo Maccarone from his first team. In January, he signs David Connolly and the following appears on my screen: "Republic of Ireland Star David Connolly is delighted to have agreed terms with Middlesboro." "Star?" Riiiiight.
9th Birmingham
There must be some kind of virus in my version of Championship Manager because just after Birminghams victory in the League Cup, the following appears on my screen: "Robbie Savage has female reproductive organs. Manager Steve Bruce has placed him on the transfer list. Sven Goran Erikson has declared an interest." Well, he would wouldn't he?
10th Newcastle
Bobby Robson snuffs it after twenty minutes in the semi-final of the FA Cup. There are officially no good English football managers remaining. Go on. Try and think of one.
11th Everton
Wayne Rooney wins the young player of the year award and sends everyone asleep with his three hour long acceptance speech. "As unaccustomed as I am to public speaking..." Oh, to be able to talk like Wayne Rooney.
12th Aston Villa
For the second year running, Villa finish below their Birmingham rivals in the final league standings. David O'Leary captures it best when he announces: "We're just a really shit team with useless players and no money to replace them with new ones." At least for Dave, there's a book in it: Alpay and Me on Trial
13th Bolton
Early in the season, Bolton manager Sam Allardyce moans himself to death. The epitaph on his tombstone reads: "Not here you bastards! Anywhere but here! Still, that's what I've come to expect..." He is replaced at the helm by Alan Curbishley. Hence, the respectable final position.
14th Blackburn Rovers
A lack of goals all season condemns Blackburn to a disappointing position. Graeme Souness tries to sign a few strikers before finally opting for a balding-gracefully Alan Shearer. Shearer cites the opportunity to have some serious piss-ups with Dwight Yorke as influencing his decision.
15th Southampton
Oh great. Another year of that little ginger tosser harping on about how great Chris Marsden is.
16th Charlton
Charltons poor standing could be put down to the fact that Glenn Hoddle was given Alan Curbishleys position. After just two weeks with Hoddle at the helm, Matt Holland requests a transfer. Holland took offence when Hoddle suggested that he was spasticated because of sins he had committed in a previous life.
17th Portsmouth
Defying osteoporosis, a heart murmur and the onset of alzheimers, Teddy Sheringham comes off the bench on the last day of the season to score the goal which keeps Pompey in the Premiership. After the match, Teddy announces his retirement from the game and heads off into the sunset on a stannah stairlift.
18th Wolves
In the January transfer window, Dave Jones decides that he needs a defender on the cheap so he signs Alpay on a free transfer. Jones learns rule number one in football management: 'Avoid purchasing Aston Villa rejects' and Wolves pay the price with relegation.
19th Leeds
As Leeds are consigned to first division football on the last day of the season, Seth Johnson is seen punching the air and jumping with delight. This is the chance he's been waiting for; The chance to play in a league where the matches aren't televised, meaning he'll have less shame brought on his family.
20th Leicester
Well, that was a nice little investment wasn't it, Mr. Lineker?

What can I say? Your mother said you'd meet weirdoes on the internet.