Classic Homer
Homer [Praying heavenward]: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don't know.

Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

Homer: God bless those pagans.

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

Dealer: 19.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 20.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 21.
Homer: Hit me!
Dealer: 22.
Homer: D'oh!

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain sodium benzoate.
Homer [looks puzzled]: That's bad..... Can I go now?

Homer: Here are your messages: You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube

Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.

Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.

Homer: Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.

Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Homer: [cocks a shotgun] To the book depository!

[Homer is a Blackjack dealer]
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer deals Bond a card] Joker? You're supposed to take these out of the deck.
Homer: Oh, sorry, I'll give you another one. [Homer deals Bond another card]
James Bond: What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond... [Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him]
James Bond: But... but wait! It was Homer's fault. I can't lose! I never lose! [Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino] At least tell me your plans for world domination!
Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I'm not falling for THAT one again.

Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Astra: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to "be" a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee!

[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket]
Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine."
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.

Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.

Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. [doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick...
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. [Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but... [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.

Homer: Well Marge, have you ever seen a field glow like that?
Marge: It's eerily beautiful, but are you sure this is safe?
Homer: Of course not. But you know something? Sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.

Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!

Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

Lisa Simpson: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer: Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot! [Marge whispers something in his ear] I knew that.

Homer: Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Pepi: Tell me more! I want to know ALL the constellations!
Homer: Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy.

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in] In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa - never help anyone.

Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving!

Homer: There, there, Bart. If something's hard, then it's not worth doing.

[Homer can't stop the monorail]
Marge: I've brought somebody to help you.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: It's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?
Marge: It's NOT Batman.

Homer: I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.

Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven. Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.

Homer: Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! Ow! OW!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!

Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like -- I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!

[Homer is teaching a university course on marriage]
Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Krabappel: We need names!
Homer: Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson!"

[Ned and Homer are driving in a snowstorm]
Ned Flanders: Homer, we just hit something!
Homer: Ooooooh, I hope it was Flanders

A young priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.